Sometimes, the best thing we can do for someone who’s growth and wellbeing we care about is to leave them to their own devices – not to advise, not to supervise, not to intervene, or at worst dictate.
Stepping in might seem like a good idea, and it might feel like the right thing to do, because we have their best interests in mind, but what if the help we try to offer someone has a more detrimental effect in the long run? Could it also have serious repercussions for our own wellbeing, our own ability to prioritise our own needs, or even our own ability to perform well at work? And fundamentally, could it mean that the person we try to help will ultimately become more dependent on us rather than independent of us?
We all know someone in our lives who has this ongoing problem of being perceived as “helpless” probably for a myriad of different reasons. They might not be the most skillful communicator, they may be very temperamental or emotionally immature if certain things don’t go their way, they may not be the most practical person in knowing precisely what to do and how to do it well.
The original source of these stumbling blocks could also be quite complex, whether it’s a learning disability, mental health issues, past trauma, or merely a side to their personality which might make even the smallest tasks feel impossible. Whatever the cause, these issues may in fact be things that not only affect one area of their lives but span across multiple key areas affecting their ability to cope with daily tasks and unexpected changes.
So, what do we do?
The very natural mother-like response would be to step in and help. As the helping party, we might find ourselves using phrases like “Here, try this”, “You’re doing it wrong, this is better”, “That’s okay, I can do that”, or when we’ve finally reached the limit of our patience, “Nevermind. Forget it. I’ll do it myself. Don’t worry about it”.
What might not occur to us while we worry ourselves with this rescue mission, often amid tight deadlines and an ever-growing pile of tasks which require our immediate attention, is the person themselves, and their thoughts about us intervening – interventions which we might at times do without their prior knowledge or consent.
What is it then, that we are actually indicating to the receiver of our help?
That they cannot do it by themselves? That they’re too slow or cognitively impaired to be given effective strategies enabling them to work more independently of us? That they should feel good about everything being handed to them?
And what does that say about our own need to intervene? Our own need to be needed, or perhaps our own impatience to just tick our boxes and get things done as quickly as possible? Or even our own prideful need for recognition of our own capabilities, or to make the projects with our names and reputations tied to them to be as perfect as possible?
Some of us would love to pass the blame on to our own parents for supposedly exhibiting this type of behaviour, and perhaps, under the very real pressures of balancing work and family living, this behaviour may in fact occur.
But it seems to be an ongoing issue even while we learn to interact with our peers in school, or university, or in our own jobs when the responsibilities of adult life start piling up and we are expected to act and respond in certain ways, within certain limitations and deadlines. Or at worst and most extreme, by any means necessary like a true Machiavellian, if we’ve completely lost the run of ourselves and thrown all morality or ethics out the window.
Nowadays, the whole subject of personal development, self-care and assuming a more active role in one’s own destiny is almost unavoidable. Similarly to the subject of saving the planet, as I’ve mentioned in previous posts, it’s to a rather sickening point. At it’s most extreme, it may somehow give us the misleading impression that we are knowledgeable enough to assume the authority of a nurse, parent, counsellor, clinical psychologist, or even a religious or spiritual advisor.
So, the temptation to fill any or all of these positions when faced with the person in need of some kind of help or guidance, at least for some of us, is very real.
But as I’ve pointed out at the beginning of this post, have we ever fully considered what would actually happen if at times, we took a step back from that person?
Would the whole world collapse? Or, might they actually be motivated, to do certain things for themselves, or at least come up with their own unique ways of accomplishing certain tasks? Perhaps we have in fact thought about this, but maybe felt that the outcomes versus the expense of trying to accommodate this either in time or resources, didn’t seem worthwhile or even feasible.
Many parents of larger families however, out of necessity, have in particular circumstances, been obligated to leave more able children alone. In the event of there being no babysitter to look after them or sending them off on an errand, nowadays may sound like every parent’s worst nightmare at the mere idea of what could happen to them in the process. The wonderful thing, and perhaps the miracle of it is that this had at one time, been very commonplace, with the majority of children living through such experiences unharmed.
And as a child of a large family myself, I can attest to the fact that there were times, when being left alone became one of the greatest gifts that my parents could have given me – the time, the space, the opportunity to simply think, to create, to recover, or just be, ended up being like a rite of passage, or a more meaningful allowance than pocket money.
I had to learn how to cope with boredom, to manage my own emotions in times when I may have been difficult to be around, to be able to do certain basic tasks for myself in preparation for the inevitable reality of becoming a fully functioning adult, and hopefully an asset to society rather than a liability.
There have rarely been times in my own life where I would have described myself as exceptional. I have my own strengths and weaknesses like everyone else, and I at least like to think that for the most part, I can and have been able to get by, even do well, without necessarily having to constantly rely on the good intentions of others.
I have however experienced the good will of many individuals including past employers, teachers, and my own family, who have put their faith enough in me to say that I can do much more on my own than someone who doesn’t know me very well might initially believe. Was it always perfect? Absolutely not! I’m human afterall and have certainly made plenty of mistakes, and acted foolishly at my worst.
And yet, what an amazing gift it has been to be allowed the sufficient amount of time alone to do so much necessary growing up!
It’s something that I have tried to encourage where feasible in many of my own students and even past colleagues where I felt it was appropriate, to play a more active role in their learning.
I’ve tried in my own flawed way to encourage them to be brave enough to make an effort; to make their own mistakes, to accept the consequences, and to learn something from all of it, including the necessity of coping with likely failure, rejection, or having to start all over again.
Leaving someone to their own devices does not have to mean “neglecting” them, but rather facilitating individual autonomy by offering time, space, and key skills or tools to help the receiver of our help realise their full potential and reclaim a sense of dignity and confidence in achieving that.
And when it goes well, there’s nothing more deeply satisfying than realising your own role in that.
Links and Further Reading:
The Children’s Trust on empowering young children: https://www.thechildrenstrust.org/news/parenting-our-children/empower-your-children-to-be-independent/
How to keep your bathroom clean:
Engaging employees at work:
Wikipedia on Machiavellianism: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Machiavellianism_(psychology)
InTech Ideas on AI and Creativity: https://intechideas.com/creative-and-ai-why-knowing-everything-doesnt-make-you-creative-exploring-the-boundaries-of-digital-imagination-6/
Very Well Mind on Things to do by yourself: https://www.verywellmind.com/the-benefits-of-being-by-yourself-4769939
TED Talk, The puzzle of motivation: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrkrvAUbU9Y&ab_channel=TED
Ardent Writing 